Jimmy Kimmel roasted the broadcast and streaming television landscape at Disney’s annual upfront presentation Tuesday, powering through his monologue despite fighting off a case of COVID-19.
Appearing at the event by remote, the late-night host delivered a searing stand-up routine during the company’s event to advertisers in which he mocked the traditional broadcast networks, including ABC, as well as streamers Netflix, Disney+ and Amazon.
Here are some of the best jokes from Kimmel’s monologue.
— “You know, every year I say, ‘Fuck Netflix.’ And this year it came true. Netflix lost subscribers for the first time ever; things are really tough over there. They have layoffs today. I hear they might not even be able to get Emily back from Paris. Their solution to this shortage of subscribers is to crack down on password sharing. Remember when Netflix openly encouraged us to share passwords? We were like, ‘How do these people make money?’ Turns out, they don’t. So now they’re coming for our ad money — just technically your money, but you know what I mean. And it sucks. Although I have to admit, after those smug bastards choked the life out of us for years, it feels really good to see them stoop to selling advertising. Everybody loves Bridgerton. How much do you think they’ll love it when it’s interrupted by a tech commercial every four minutes, you zillion-dollar dicks? We already have the Netflix with commercials — it’s called Hulu. Shout out to Hulu, the Stephen Baldwin of streaming platforms.”
— “NBC only picked up one new drama, and it’s a reboot of the 59th most popular sho w of 1990. For real — Quantum Leap. They’re rebooting Quantum Leap and Night Court. That isn’t a fall schedule. Those are the tapes you find in your dead uncle’s VCR.”
— “Our ratings are in the toilet right now. But with your financial support, it could be in one of those fancy Japanese toilets.”
— “There are too many pluses to compete with: Disney+, Hulu+, Paramount+, Apple TV+. It’s a plus-ter-fuck. There there’s even a Crackle+, and that’s not a joke. Whoever thought we needed a Crackle+ must be smoking crack at home.”
— “There are many who say network television is dying. I’m not so optimistic. And yet, somehow, even though ratings are down, ad spending for broadcast television was up 37 percent the first quarter of this year. How is that possible? The more viewers we lose, the more money you give us. What kind of message is this sending?”
(Excerpt) Read more in: The Hollywood Reporter